Let's Go Home.

Hello. It's been such a long time since I've been here, and all I can say is - it's been busy.  Moving took more effort than I originally anticipated it would.... No surprise there.  I think I tend to forget how annoying and time-consuming it is to cart all your stuff around because who really wants to remember?  Kind of like childbirth.

I have to admit- the morning of the second day I cried.  There was just so much to do, not enough help, and we were crammed into this small house with stuff everywhere.   Yet slowly, we made our way with unpacking and organizing and getting rid of a few more things and fixing little things until we started to feel settled.  Comfortable.

I figured moving here would be very similar to living in our old neighborhood. After all, we're only a few miles (if even- maybe a mile and a half) away.  But I was wrong; it's totally different, in a surprisingly good way.  In fact, I found myself falling a little bit in love with this little place.

I spent so much time in our old townhouse wanting to move, thinking about the scary, unknown short sale process, and being stressed out over my kid's lack of outdoor space, my husband's commute, and the noisy and busy neighborhood that living there wasn't enjoyable, pretty much at all.  Then, as soon as we moved into our last house, the saga with the dueling landlords began, which hatched dreams in my head and eventually, plans, for moving.  

So what I found when I moved here- a quiet, peace-filled home and neighborhood- has felt all new.  And like a total relief. 

There are a million little things wrong with this house.  Some things are not so little.... like a tiny kitchen and one small bathroom.  (And along with the one bathroom, always hearing, "Mommy, I have to go potty... BAD!").  But, I can honestly say this is my favorite place we've ever lived.  

If you don't feel, in your heart, like you love your home, why is that?  More importantly, is there something you can do to make it more peaceful and relaxing for you, whether it's a forever home or a temporary rental (like mine)?  It's important, because it's an absolute gift to spend at least a piece of each day in a home that soothes your soul.   

Time to go

I am two days away from moving to a new house.  For some reason, it felt a lot easier the last time we did this than it does now.  There's so much to do still, and it feels like we've already worked really hard.  But.

But I am excited to go, and I'm still glad we're doing this.

There's something about heading to a new place for me- even one that is just about a mile from where we are now.  It's a new floor plan, new possibilities for arranging our stuff and hopefully nice new neighbors.

Yesterday I watched an interview with Jamie Lee Curtis on PBS while my kids napped, and she talked about her new children's book about a year of firsts. During the interview, she said something like, "We're always asking kids to go do all these new things, but so often as adults we don't try different things.  We just do the same things."

Huh.  I've never thought about it like that, but that's totally true.

Through taking an honest look at myself over the course of the last few years, I've learned I'm a security seeker.  I want stability.  I sometimes don't like taking the risk of changing things, because I may mess up what I have now, which at least I'm used to.

Of course, the problem with that line of thinking is that it can totally limit you.  And this idea that we can create total security in our lives?  False.  Our health, our loved ones, our money, our home.... all these can be taken away.  We can never totally secure things.

One of the points I took away from the Jamie Lee discussion is that adults don't try new things because we fear looking silly.  We often have this feeling that we have to have it all together, or at least appear that way because what will people think of us if the see us floundering.  (Gasp.)  True.

So today I'm reminding myself that it's okay to go & to do the new things.  It's a little bit exciting, even for a security-seeker like me.  We don't have to be limited by what we've done or haven't done, and if we go and aren't successful or have made a mistake?  That's okay too.

One thing, revisited

I have to admit that sometimes when I read blogs where people are pushing things (books, conferences, products, gift guides), sometimes my eyes glaze over.  This time of year, and particularly this year (more on that in a minute), this is especially true.  There are a lot of great gift guides out for Christmas featuring fancy little fun things, and... right now, there's no way I'm buying them.

Many of these products are for good causes, which is great.  There are a lot of good causes out there.  For sure.  But to be quite honest?  The month of November wasn't so kind with our finances.  First, I went on a weekend out-of-state trip to see a girlfriend from high school.  The day before I left, we looked at house we saw listed for rent, and decided to rent it.  (Our plan has been to move so to we can get our son set up for a better local elementary school for next year, when he starts kindergarten).  

The upside?  Now we're going to have the move out of way.  The downside?  It means paying a security deposit, hundred of dollars in fees, plus moving costs.

Then, unexpectedly, my husband went to the dentist & was told he needed thousands of dollars worth of dental work.  After insurance, we are responsible for a bit over $800 of it.

So.  Christmas is still going to be great, just with very limited presents.  My husband and I aren't getting each other anything; we both picked out a few books at Amazon, and I got a steam mop, and we're leaving it at that.  My kids are getting a few gifts each from us, and a few from extended family.  Our families don't expect gifts.  And we are watching our budget for the month of December closely.

Last year I wrote about doing at least one thing each year at the holidays for someone else. This year, in spite of all the unexpected expenses, I know it's still true.  Regardless of how much or how little we make, regardless of what our current circumstances are, we all can give something.  Maybe it's donating your old cell phone to help a woman who's been hurt by domestic violence.  Maybe it's taking your family caroling.  Maybe it's organizing a charity drive at your work, or sponsoring a family's Christmas.

I don't know what it is that you personally can do, but what I do know is this:  We all can give something.  It feels great, and it's appropriate to celebrate Jesus' birth (for those of us who do) by helping the group he cared so deeply about: the less fortunate.  And while money can be a big help in giving wonderful things, we can still give, even if we have tight budgets.

Here's to happy holidays celebrated by not just helping ourselves, but by being moved to help others.

Contentment, part II: you can't buy your way out

(This is an add-on to last week's post. Sort of.)

Years ago, back in the early 2000s, I went out to dinner with a friend who had just gotten a new Toyota Matrix.  I'm not a car person, by any means, but I looked around and fell a little bit into car-love.  There was just something about it that I liked.

When it came time for us to find a new (to us) car a few years ago, I decided to go for the Matrix.  I checked out prices.  I shopped around.  I went back and forth with a few people.  Finally, I saw a Matrix advertised with 30,000 miles on it, in our price range, and in my favorite color (blue).  My husband looked at it first and said it looked great, and when I test-drove it, I loved it. As I drove away from the seller's house, the car felt totally new even though it wasn't.  It had been recently detailed and was immaculate.

And what happened within two weeks of owning it?  Between my dog and my kid, it got dirty.  And scratched.

Yesterday I was looking at my car, feeling a little sorry for it.  It was really dirty.  The bumper has been hit twice in parking lots by the anonymous, and while it's not totally falling down, it doesn't look quite right.  And it needs a fuel injection system cleaning (or so I've been told) because now it shakes a little and doesn't run so smooth.

Here's the thing:  there's no reason I should feel at all bad about driving this car.  It runs great, (minus the shaking).  Really, the main problem?  It was dirty.  So I pulled out the bucket and sponge and hose and got to work, and today, it was instantly much more pleasant to drive around.

When frustration or boredom sets in, it's so easy to want to just give up and trade up to something new or better, isn't it?  Sometimes, that works.  Like maybe your pillow has gone flat & no amount of fluffing or washing it is going to make it feel good anymore.

But sometimes, you can trade up, but trading up won't even come close to fixing the problem.  And it certainly has its costs (hello new car payment!).

Like buying new clothes because nothing looks good ...but the real problem is not being happy with your body.

Like getting more clothes or toys for your kids because their stuff is disorganized and you don't really know what they've got vs. what they need.  (Guilty).

Like treating yourself to a pedicure or a fancy coffee because you work so hard while carrying around debt that makes your head and neck hurt.

Money is a great tool, and having it can allow you to do some pretty cool things.  But this idea that's sold in advertisements that we can just buy our way out is wrong on so many levels, and, if we believe it, it can keep us from doing the things we need to do:  live within our means, maintain what we have, be grateful, and -dare I say- content.

Peace at home

I hear a lot about contentment these days;  I suspect many of us do.  The calls to be who you are, love your life for what it is, and get over jealousy, comparison, & keeping up with the Joneses seem to have gotten louder & more frequent since the recession.  But how do you really do that? 

A few days ago, I went to a lady's house for a gathering of women.  There were about 10 of us.  It was on a weeknight evening & for church, so I threw on some Target clothes & flip-flops & headed out the door.  I was the first one there and got a tour of the host's large, remodeled, beautifully decorated home.  She had a wide assortment of homemade appetizers waiting for her guests.  As the other ladies streamed in, I saw that I was certainly the only one in Target clothes & flip-flops.  And to top it all off, I had a big pimple.

I didn't fit in.  At least that's how I felt.  

The other ladies were all gracious & kind to me, but during the event, as people chatted about their private schools and tennis lessons, and I sat next to a lady who is at least a millionaire if not a multi-millionaire and made small talk as best I could, I couldn't help but compare their clothes, their homes, and their lifestyles to mine.  And when I compared, mine felt small and constrained and not nearly as beautiful.  

After I got home, I told my husband, "These ladies don't live the same kind of lifestyle that I do!  They're not out there clipping coupons!  And I could never bring them here.... they'd probably pity me."

I'm not particularly proud that I had that reaction, because shouldn't it not matter?  Shouldn't I be above all that?  This was a church event, after all.

A few days later, I was still feeling kind of sensitive about my reaction to the whole thing and stewing a bit.  My kids and I had finished lunch & our rest time and it is just getting nice here in Florida, so we threw open the windows.  The window frames were full of dirt and bug bodies and other nastiness, and so my son and I went to work vacuuming and spraying them down.

And in that moment, with the sun shining and my kids and I working away to make what we've got the best we can, I felt total peace.  We certainly don't have the best of everything, but that doesn't mean what we do have isn't good enough.  And if it's not good enough for someone else and they do pity me?  That's their problem, not mine.  

That day, peace found me at home while I scrubbed away at the built-up dirt and made my house- the small, old, wonderful & charming place that it is- look a little better.

I had pictures all ready for this post, and my husband deleted them.  So here are a few of us at the beach later that day:

Those two kids and an afternoon with them & my husband?  They are my treasures.  It's a good life. 

We are so much more than our stuff- our clothes, houses, and cars.  We are so much more than our current lifestyle or how much (or little) money we have in the bank.  We should never forget that.

So, today, here's to peace and loving the life that we have right now.  Target clothes & flip-flops & small houses & all. 

It took 3 minutes

We had lay-offs this past week at work.  Anyone that's been reading here for awhile knows that having lay-offs at my work is not uncommon.  It's always upsetting because I worry for the people being laid off:  how long will it take to get a new job?  Do they have money saved?  How is that going to affect their family?

One of the ladies who was let go sent me an e-mail, and in it she said that she would miss my "cheerful hellos" the most.  Instead of making me happy that I've brightened some of her days, it made me sad.  Because my fear is that she'll miss my hellos because so few people said hello to her.

There's a bit of back story to explain her situation, but the gist of it is this:  this lady was already let go.  Like over a year ago. Maybe 2.  But she was allowed to continue working on an hourly basis, and allowed to hang around the office and look for work.  It got awkward.  People- myself included here- wondered why she kept coming in when she really didn't have a job there anymore.

But at some point, I made the decision that I was going to tell her hello when I saw her, just because that's what I'd want someone to do for me if I were out of work.  So I did.  We don't have a lot in common- not very much really- but I'd just stop and say hi and ask how she was doing.  I'd ask about her child.  Talk a little about possible work.  Then, I'd go on my merry way & heat up my lunch or head to the printer or whatever else I was doing.  At the end, she'd often say, "Thank you for stopping and saying hello."

I write this because when I was younger I used to think that bumper stickers with "Be the change you want to see in the world" and especially "Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty" were corny.  I just didn't think much about those concepts in those days (and I'm sure it showed in my actions).  Now I get it, at least better than I did before.  (Although I still have many moments where I don't think enough about it, and it still shows in my actions sometimes).    

There are many days where I'm rushed, busy, or just don't feel like being kind.  It's easy to breeze right past people.  Yet while it's well known how lonely and isolating it can be to be a stay-at-home mom, rarely do people talk about how lonely the workplace-or any place really- can be too.  In total, the conversations were usually 3-5 minutes.  And, in hindsight, connecting with this woman wasn't just a day-brightener for her; it was one for me too.

Breaks and Space

The last month or so I have been feeling tired.  Not so much physically tired- soul-tired.  Depleted.  Overwhelmed.  There's always one more thing I need to do, or one thing I'm not going to do but probably should.  I've felt short with my family, and with myself.

We've gotten ourselves into a place where there's someone who needs to be somewhere 7 days a week.  I can't believe we're there with two young kids, but combine five mornings of school with a Saturday morning half-hour karate class and church on Sunday, and there you have it: 7 days of obligations.

I don't want to take out anything that we're involved in, honestly.  These activities are all important (school & church) and fun (karate).  But given how I've been feeling, it's important that I replenish my energy so I stop feeling worn out.

The problem that I've been slamming up against is this:  it's so much easier said than done.  It's great to say, "Oh, I need to take a rest! I'll relax a little bit this afternoon," but often the minutes slip through my fingers as I move from one need to the next.

When I feel consistently overwhelmed, sometimes I feel the need just to let my body & brain veg out, but I've found that that alone isn't enough.  I need breaks that get me away from the day-in-day-out routine & monotony.  I need to refresh my spirit & remember why it is that I do the things I do each day.

So I've been working on that: making a point to take breaks for relaxation AND breaks to do something a little different, or something I've been meaning to do.  Take a walk.  Read more.  Call a friend.  Shop a little. Whatever.  These breaks won't happen unless I make them, and it's been a good reminder that there's a reason that the saying, "Variety is the spice of life" is repeated again & again.

Something wonderful happens when I take breaks:  it gives my mind and soul space to expand and breathe a little.  I open up to new ideas.  I remember to pray for people that I haven't in awhile. Right now I'm dreaming about the plot line for a fiction novel about a single mother.  I put the issues in my life that are gnawing at me back into perspective.

Where are you today?  Do you need a little more some space?  I hope you take the time and force a break.